Something happened today that brought so much emotion flooding back. When I fell pregnant J’s parents persuaded J to take no further part in our lives, They feared for there social status, how it would affect J’s future. They saw my pregnancy as the end to J’s future. They lashed out, consulted solicitors to obtain legal advice to ensure that J could not be placed on the birth certificate, to ensure that he was void of any legal responsibility so it would have no lasting impact. J spread rumours, claiming that I didn’t know who the babies father thus trying to socially absolve him of any social responsibility. I was accused of being financially motivated; they were quite well off and believed that I was only continuing wit my pregnancy to gain some of there money. They also attempted to bribe my into an Abortion, stating that if I didn’t carry on with my pregnancy they would by J and I a flat for University. After i chose to continue with my pregnancy they blocked my number, my Facebook, and sold their house and moved. They had built their house from scratch, designed it specifically for there family, it was supposed to be there forever home yet my unborn son was seen as such a threat they felt he was worth leaving it for. I don’t know where they moved too.
It was the ultimate rejection, for me and for my unborn child. I have struggled for a long time knowing that they have such strong negative feelings about my son. For years I’ve been plagued with dreams about them. Dreams where they reject us again and again and I beg them to meet him, beg them to be a part of our lives and they refuse. The reality is that I am so much better of without them. But I do feel great feelings of resentment about the blank space on my sons birth certificate, and the fact that at some point I’m going to have to explain the situation to him. Tell him that people who should love him never even gave him a chance and have chosen to live a life denying his very existence.
The intensity of these thoughts have faded over the past 3 years, but I have always granted J and especially J’s parents a certain power over me. I wanted a connection with them, for Arlo’s sake, even if that was just a phone number, just anything. I had those choices taken away from me.
Until today, when I saw J’s mum and J’s sister. I never found out if they told J’s sister about A. It always upset me that she had Nephew that she might not even be aware of. Myself, R and A were enjoying brunch In Merrie England when I saw them walk in and sit down. I knew who they were immediately. J’s sister turned around and gave me a courteous smile, a very normal human interaction not indicative as to whether she realised how we were. I felt my heart beat rise and I thought I was going to be sick. I didn’t know what to do, this was something I had dreamed about for years and I had no idea how to react. I decided to call my mum and ask her what she thought I should, do, whether I should go up and say something or whether I should just ignore them. I decided that I couldn’t not say something, I might never get this opportunity again, and I want to be able to say to A that I have never placed myself as a barrier between him and J.
So I approached them, I asked J’s mum if she remembered me, and if she knew who I was, she said she knew who I was and asked how I was doing I ignored her and pointed to Arlo and said so you know who that is then and I gestured to where my son was sitting and she replied yes she’d figured he was about the right age. I then told her that we were doing really well, we had our own house, I was in my second year at University and that he is the most amazingly wonderful child I have ever met. She told me she was glad to hear I was doing well, that J was going to be doing his Masters and Phd in September, and then went on to say that ‘It looks like it all worked out for the best in the end’ To which I replied she didn’t know that having never given an opportunity for an alternative. I then asked her if she wanted to meet him, she said no thank you, so I turned to J’s sister and spoke to her and asked her if she wanted to come and say hello, and that she was always welcome to contact me anytime, that Im on Facebook and that she had the right to an independent relationship with A if she wanted it. She said she didn’t feel ready right now, she then said ‘I don’t know why I’m crying’. I looked at J’s mum and she was crying too. She looked weak, vulnerable, guilty and utterly repulsive. I went back to my table and burst into tears. It was so emotionally overwhelming and once again i’d tried and been rejected.
But afterwards, after i’d calmed down and pulled myself together what I felt wasn’t sadness, it was a power shift. I had been more brave and honest and forgiving than I physically knew I could be. I wasn’t the weak one, I held the power, I was the one who can look back at everything and know that I have done the right thing. The power has shifted. I will no longer tolerate any kind of feeling of inferiority to someone who can’t even look me or there own grandchild in the eye.